DISCLAIMER<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n I have an incredibly dark sense of humour. And although some of what I say may seem pretty dark, please be reminded that there is a way through this. You\u2019ll find your way \u2013 there is light at the end of the tunnel.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n As our old pal Pythagoras once said\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201c\u200bAbove the cloud with its shadow is the star with its light. Above all things reverence thyself.\u200b\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n ~ Pythagoras<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n Which I interpret as meaning \u201cThere\u2019s no light without darkness, so give yourself a break!\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I hadn\u2019t ever really experienced anything like it before being hit by it like a tonne of bricks when I left behind a lifetime of working in retail, to retrain as a software developer. I\u2019d been in my job for 12 years, so it had been a long time since I\u2019d started a new job, never mind an entirely new career.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I retrained over the course of 16 weeks, and as much as Imposter Syndrome was trying to destroy every last shred of self-confidence I had, I made it through with my sanity (only just!) intact! Changing career was the best decision I ever made, but it was also one of the hardest things I\u2019ve ever done. I\u2019m by absolutely no means, a risk-taker! But I left my job, and with that my regular income, to become a full-time student, and just hope that someone would give me a chance and a \u2018proper grown-up\u2019 job once I finished.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Now, I\u2019m an Analyst Programmer, and work for an excellent company in a fantastic team. I\u2019ve been there almost two years now, and there literally isn\u2019t a day when I don\u2019t think about how lucky I am to be where I am right now. (But it wasn\u2019t luck! I did this myself \u2013 it was all down to hard work and determination!).<\/p>\n\n\n\n I also trained as a Mental Health First Aider in 2019. That\u2019s a \u200bwhole\u200b other thing I can tell you about another time, but I would highly recommend it to anyone who might be thinking about doing it. It feels \u200bmassively\u200b empowering to know that you\u2019re equipped to help someone who might be having a mental health crisis. It\u2019s something I\u2019m hugely passionate, for various reasons, but essentially it all boils down to not wanting anyone to suffer in silence. Talking openly about mental health provides a safe place for others to open up about their own. And this is really at the heart of what we\u2019re about at humans of code\u200b.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Anyway, I digress! Today I want to talk to you about Imposter Syndrome, and how I did \/ didn\u2019t(?!) deal with it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Mental health is a subject very close to my heart, and something I\u2019m passionate about speaking openly about. The more we talk about mental health, the more we can reduce the stigma around it. And if we reduce the stigma, we can start to give people their mental health and their lives back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The chances are that we\u2019ll all experience Imposter Syndrome at some point in our lives, and it\u2019s important to understand that even if it never leaves you entirely, you CAN learn to live with it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s the belief that you\u2019re not as competent as others perceive you to be. It\u2019s feeling like a fraud. It\u2019s the constant fear of being \u201cfound out\u201d for who you \u201creally\u201d are. It\u2019s feeling like you don\u2019t belong in the situation you find yourself in \u2013 believing you only got there through sheer luck. You might be pair-programming with someone, and think \u201cthey\u2019re going to realise I don\u2019t know anything\u201d. Or you might be writing an article, and the whole time be thinking \u201cAm I even \u2018impostery\u2019 \u200benough\u200b to be talking to people about this?!\u2026. \u201c<\/p>\n\n\n\n I hadn\u2019t actually heard of Imposter Syndrome before my career change. But it\u2019s something that quickly made itself known to me. It can be triggered by things like starting a new role, a new project, starting college or university, or changing career after 19 years of being firmly stuck in your comfort zone\u2026..<\/p>\n\n\n\n The emotional journey of a career changer could accurately be described as a \u201crollercoaster\u201d. The kind you might get on without fully appreciating how many surprise drops, twists and turns there are.\u200b \u200bHaving an awareness of this early on is \u200bso\u200b important, so you know the signs to look out for and you can recognise them in yourself and in your peers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re one of the lucky ones who has never heard of or experienced Imposter Syndrome, first of all \u2013 congratulations! And second, you might be thinking it sounds made up, or that it\u2019s just a case of worrying too much, or over-thinking things. If ONLY that\u2019s what it was!! I can understand why people don\u2019t understand it, and that\u2019s cool. If you\u2019re one of those people and you\u2019re reading this, hopefully it\u2019s because you want to learn more about it. Thank you! Read on\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s EXACTLY like this! This couldn\u2019t be more accurate. It\u2019s constant, intrusive, negative self-talk. Some people might know it as their \u201cinner critic\u201d. A little bit of \u200bthat\u200b is probably perfectly healthy. It\u2019s what makes us strive to do better, or not half-ass something. It\u2019s the voice that encourages you to see a task through to completion and take pride in a job well done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When it begins to spiral out of control however, is when it\u2019s constantly there, putting you down, telling you that you don\u2019t deserve to be where you are, or that you\u2019re a failure. It\u2019s like being mentally and emotionally abused by \u200byourself.\u200b You doubt yourself and everything you know. You might believe you\u2019re taking up the space of someone more deserving of what you have, that you\u2019re not worthy of anything, and that you\u2019re in a constant state of fear of being \u201cfound out\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I already had Anxiety and Depression before Imposter Syndrome came along, so I always had a million of these thoughts racing through my head. I struggled to focus on just one thing at a time, and if I made a mistake that would be all I could focus on and I\u2019d struggle to mentally move beyond that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And there was that classic thing we all do \u2013 instead of focusing on the positives \u2013 like finishing all the extensions from my homework, I would focus on little things that I wasn\u2019t happy with. Like not quite understanding a new concept straight away. I would strive for perfection, all the while believing that what I was doing would never be as \u201cperfect\u201d as everyone else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I would prepare for things meticulously \u2013 such as job interviews \u2013 and with 100% success I should add! However, far from me thinking what a sensible person would think \u2013 \u201cI got the job because I did my research and was well-prepared, and the best person for the job\u201d \u2013 I would think \u201cOh balls! Look what I\u2019ve done now! I\u2019ve gone and got that job I wanted!\u201d, or \u201cThey must have phoned the wrong person\u2026 I\u2019m going to start working there, and they\u2019re going to realise I\u2019m not as good as they thought, and I\u2019m going to let them down, then they\u2019ll get rid of me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n These thoughts can send you off in a vicious cycle \u2013 believing you only did well because you stayed up all night, memorising a company\u2019s values and principles and working them into your answers, rather than realising you did well because you were a strong candidate for the job!<\/p>\n\n\n\n The problem with Imposter Syndrome is that you can become a mentally tortured victim of your own success. The more you achieve (through \u201cluck\u201d), the more you believe you will lose when you get \u201cfound out\u201d. And as I eventually discovered, if you don\u2019t recognise what\u2019s happening and deal with it pretty sharpish, then your Imposter Syndrome can become all-consuming and can lead you down the dark path to Depression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n People who suffer from Imposter Syndrome typically will not talk about how they are feeling, because they would be revealing themselves as a \u201cfraud\u201d. This is why it\u2019s so important that we speak out about our experiences with it. Because once we start doing that, we begin to normalise it. And once we normalise it, it begins to lose its grip on us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s not going to be easy, but it \u200bwill\u200b be worth it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Any time I was having a hard time and wondering what the hell I was doing, thinking I could give up my job and learn something new in only 4 months, I had a couple of trusted friends I would talk to about it \u2013 maybe over Slack or WhatsApp. They would do something I didn\u2019t expect \u2013 they\u2019d reply telling me I\u2019d made this huge, brave decision to walk away from my old life to make a better one for myself. They\u2019d list the things I\u2019d achieved, and reminded me why I was doing it. This was absolutely baffling to me! Why weren\u2019t they telling me I\u2019d made a huge, expensive mistake?!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Seeing this from someone else\u2019s perspective was like someone turning the light on in a dark room! Because I was able to recognise that they were right! I had done some difficult stuff to get to where I was! So I would take screenshots of their messages, and save them in a folder on my phone, and when I was back in my pit of despair, I\u2019d eventually remember what helped last time \u2013 and that was talking about it. To my friends. Who made me see sense!<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cA\u200b little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn to glorious success. There is no failure except in no longer trying. There is no defeat except from within, no really insurmountable barrier save our own inherent weakness of purpose.\u201d\u200b<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n ~ Elbert Hubbard<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n This quote is about the importance and the willingness to persist. It\u2019s about doing something over and over and over again, trying a different approach each time, to get a different result.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s about never giving up. It\u2019s about repeatedly getting back up again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It\u2019s about picking up the pieces and starting over again, even though it might be the last thing in the world you want to do. It\u2019s for all the people who tried and tried and almost quit, but tried again one more time, and got it right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But, how do you even \u200bbegin\u200b to silence the noise when it\u2019s in your own head?! I also learned how to take time out for myself. I was continually told by friends, the internet, strangers \u2013 \u201ctake up a hobby\u201d, \u201cget into mindfulness\u2026.\u201d But I wasn\u2019t in the right headspace for any of that. That would\u2019ve meant putting my worries aside, and how could I do that when I had so much to worry about?!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Among (many!) other things, I also started listening to night time stories to send me off to sleep. This was mostly because I couldn\u2019t be alone with my thoughts \u2013 the \u201cnoise\u201d. So I\u2019d have to drown it out to get to sleep. Then as the dark clouds eventually began to lift, I could see what was going on around me. And it wasn\u2019t all as bad as I had thought. I could spend less time worrying and more time on myself. So I would bake! And it turned out it was something I was good at. Then I took up drawing \u2013 turned out I was good at that too! And suddenly I was acknowledging that there were these things that I was good at!<\/p>\n\n\n\n I\u2019m also much better at asking for what I need. I\u2019ve learned over the years that you can\u2019t rely on people remembering things like the training they\u2019ve said they\u2019ll give you, or that you\u2019ve asked for. If they\u2019re not equipping you to do your job properly \u2013 give them a prod to remind them! It\u2019s your future! Nobody else cares about it as much as you do!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Most importantly though, I now work for a company that has supported me and valued me from Day One. I started as a trainee \u2013 so there was never any expectation that I would know everything. I work in a great team with an absolute wealth of knowledge, so there\u2019s always someone around to ask for help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And I can acknowledge that they didn\u2019t become fountains of knowledge overnight. They\u2019ve been working in their roles for 5, 10, 15 years some of them. And I see them ask each other for help, because \u200bnobody knows everything\u200b (nor are they expected to!).<\/p>\n\n\n\n With hard work, and the right support, you can achieve anything you set your mind to. We never stop learning. We all learn to ride the rollercoaster until it feels slightly less scary. Like the Dodgems\u2026 There will be unexpected bumps along the way, and there might be some you go absolutely barrelling towards with a wry smile on your face, because you\u2019ll become better at steering yourself out of trouble again!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Honestly, I sometimes struggle now to relate to the shell of a person I became. I\u2019ve gone from \u201cI can\u2019t do this\u201d, to \u201cI AM<\/strong> doing this!\u201d, to \u201cI only went and bloody well did it!\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n During a conversation with my People Manager at work, I was asked what I thought my strengths and weaknesses were, which I was \u200bcompletely \u200bunprepared for. She suggested that my greatest strength was my willingness to learn, and my weakness was my lack of self-confidence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I had inadvertently let the doubt begin to sneak back in unnoticed. And by her telling me I should be more confident, I realised that meant \u200bshe h\u200b ad more confidence in me than I did. And so I \u200bmust \u200bbe doing a good job (or as my own sense of humour would tell me \u2013 \u201cnot a shit job!\u201d). Which gave me the confidence boost I needed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Would I go through the soul-destroying pain and anguish of career-changing again?! ABSOLUTELY!! (Although, I have no intention of ever doing it again. I\u2019m \u200bmore\u200b than happy where I am thanks!) It was one of the best experiences of my life! It \u200bliterally changed \u200bmy life. I met some of the greatest people ever while I was doing it, and I love them dearly! I have a job I look forward to going into in the morning, and I\u2019m not going to lie \u2013 the money is pretty sweet too!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Would I do anything differently? I\u2019d openly acknowledge how I was feeling at the time, because \u200bnow I\u200b know how common Imposter Syndrome is \u2013 particularly among career changers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Anyway, to recap! Some of the greatest advice given to me, which I share with you now\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n And one last thing! This one really stuck with me, as a consummate perfectionist \u2013 the reason you feel like you\u2019re failing is because you care so much and want to do the best job possible. As a perfectionist, there is probably \u200bnobody\u200b putting as much pressure on you to succeed as you are yourself. Take it easy. You\u2019re doing better than you think.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Before I get started on the serious stuff \u2013 the whole reason for you reading this, I have a short announcement to make\u2026. DISCLAIMER I have an incredibly dark sense of humour. And although some of what I say may seem pretty dark, please be reminded that there is a way through this. You\u2019ll find […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":712,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"slim_seo":{"title":"Imposter Syndrome: Shutting out the \u201cnoise\u201d when it\u2019s in your own head. - humans of code","description":"Before I get started on the serious stuff - the whole reason for you reading this, I have a short announcement to make.... DISCLAIMER I have an incredibly dark sense of humour. 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So, what exactly \u200bis\u200b Imposter Syndrome?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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So, what can we do to take back control of our lives?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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Well in the spirit of being open and honest, I\u2019m not going to lie \u2013 the medication helps a LOT!<\/p>\n\n\n\nLife After Imposter Syndrome<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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